How Do You Speak Words That Don't Exist?

18+

Anyone younger please move on to another post, thanks.

The older I get the quieter I get. Words no longer come to me. The wheel of life continues spinning irregardless of whether one is on board or not. With it comes this strange sense of this unspoken rule that being older means everything must be alright. No matter what one might experience. There's no complaining about it as that would be inappropriate. Speaking about it is simply taboo. No wonder more and more people are looking for validations and 'go aheads' to how they feel without judgment and more and more are falling into categories of 'depressed' or mental health issues' that sort of makes it 'ok' to go through whatever it is they're going through.

I'm writing with the hope of expressing some of what I've bottled up and am unable to let go of or express.

Right now I have a small apartment that I rent that's in a safe gated area that's being let by my landlord. It's incredibly clean, airy and I have a loft too. My bed is right beneath the window so I actually get to look out at the night sky every night before I sleep. I feel safe, I have a roof over my head, I've all my working limbs, health and have never gone hungry. The people I love are safe. Thank God For each and every blessing.

Isn't it something how despite our blessings we're still prone to having issues or finding faults in other part of our lives huh?!

There is one factor that has always affected my life and does so now except that it's at an intensity I can no longer ignore. I rarely love. Yet when I do I love Hugely. every human I've ever loved makes a hole in my heart that cannot be filled by non other than them. The downside to that is once that space is vacated it remains vacant. The painful part is the person takes that part of me with them. So every second of each and every day I have these holes/pains around my heart that constantly throb with intense pain I'm constantly aware of yet am unable to do anything about.

My divorce was a very difficult experience to go through. The hardest thing was loving my ex husband and never wishing my marriage to end. Every amazing experience stays with me despite life being different and moving onwards. What I do not and will never understand is why it had to end. Why do we humans always sabotage beautiful things. Why is it we cannot be kind and remain kind to one another and simply adore one anothers'  company and the blessing it is to have them exist in the world. It baffles me and may always confound me.

Later I came close to loving once again and marrying my love. Not my ex husband this time. I have a massive heart. Not once in my life have I ever believed in 'the one' afterall if it were a true concept then there would be no such thing as death as everything would live/remain forever which is virtually impossible. And love wouldn't be infinite. Yes it may be a taboo concept and not for all yet one persons' truth may be anothers' nightmare. And vice versa.

Anyways he left me at the alter. Almost. A few days before we were meant to get hitched he backed out. Which was so humiliating. I hated myself. I wondered why I was drawn to men who didn't truly wish to have futures with me.

My best friend of years & years got fed up of my 'not being there' after all the above and the toll it took on my senses and sanity and also jumped ship. I understood that she needed to find a friend who'd actually BE  best friend.

Then my family also bailed as apparently when I was younger I hurt my younger brother albeit unintentionally and apparently I did irreparable damage and my entire family other than my mother want nothing to do with me now. Thanks for mothers. If I had a way to undo every hurt I've ever caused I would.

I have been blaming and torturing myself unforgivingly. I've tried accepting things as they are yet it is human nature to need connection.  And guilt is a heavy emotion not an easy one to let go of. I have seen grown women constantly cry from the bottom of their hearts and I used to wonder what could have them crying so. Now I know. Now I get it.

The hardest thing right now is that I have disconnected from myself. I've become so ashamed of who I am and self hate myself to the extent that breathing is simply agony.

Physically, the need of having a c*ck deep inside my vag*na does definitely keep my constantly on edge. The need of having my right man lay beside me with his arms around me, getting to smell and simply enjoy the pleasure of having a man I love and who loves me in return inside of my perimeter and inside of my body is utterly crippling at times.  It is incredibly difficult without a doubt. I remain celibate when not married so it isn't easy. Ofcouse it is a personal preference yet one I hold highly. Though I'm ever aware of the irony of wishing to love someone and have them love me back when I can't stand myself. Hence the dilemma. It's like 2 + 2 = 5. It can never work nor add up.

So the mission is: 

1- Forgive myself

2- Love myself

3- Spread love and build as many bridges as possible without compromising my self worth or on who I am in any shape or form.

Then we go from there...