Where Do I Go Now?

Hey, how are you? truthfully? I wonder how your days have been treating you and hope that they've been good. I feel terribly ashamed writing to you today. As I've both good and bad news. The good being I got married and I'm sure you have an idea how that can have both it's highs and lows yet is a beautiful thing in itself.

The bad being losing contact with my family and losing my job in the process. The 1st being unplanned and the second carefully thought out. Being a very family orientated person, losing contact with my family has been a major blow that I haven't been able to recover from. Why it's happened is complicated, I've yet to comprehend everything myself really.

In regards to my job, after getting married I ended up moving to another city so hence my job move. Now I've been looking for a job for a while which has proven challenging.

Putting all technicalities aside, personally things haven't been going so well. Especially being out of work. When I was working I found it easy to crave for the ease and rest that comes with not having to work. Wishing for a break other than holiday times where I don't have to stress about the daily stresses that work sometimes brings. Not realising that I'd miss the routine of working, getting up early, having to get everything done as well as living my own personal life within the limits of the short time frames I barely had to myself. Now that I'm looking for a job I find myself feeling like I might be depressed, then sometimes really happy like I can take on the world, And rarely I'd feel alright at times when I'm not too bothered about what may not be happening as fast as I'd wish it to.
I find that as people we all deal with life hurdles in our own way. When we don't feel so great we do things that helps us forget the negatives that plague us. Sometimes healthily, others not quite so. And more the latter than former. We may exercise, help someone, host a party, go hiking or do some activity that helps take our minds off things or puts us in a better frame of mind. Or we might smoke, drink, party, sit infront of the T.V and vegetate our time away.

I think that that's why nowadays people are more prone to starting blogs, youtube channels, businesses, hobbies ect...

My blog is the one thing that I'm immensely happy with. Yes I know that it's simple and not spectacular yet it's uniquely mine and it's been done genuinely with all my heart attached to it. I think that it's normal to feel pressure at being expected to know what you want to do in life and where you want to end up. We're constantly judging one another whether we mean to or not. I always feel inadequate at not having it all together and not knowing exactly what to do. What adds to the guilt is that I think that we subconsciously compare ourselves to other people which I don't think fair considering that our experiences are unique to us and they can never be swapped or compared. And when someone tries to, we feel insulted and hurt as it diminishes us in a sense. As though our experiences aren't all that important or unique when they are.
 
Life's a little bit like an uphill race and we all feel as though we must beat and outshine one another.
Today I felt utterly paralysed. Unable to move. Think. Do anything productive. I felt like curling under the covers never to surface again. I fought the urge as I knew I'd feel worst if I did so. So I took in deep breaths knowing that I may not get the strength to turn my day around yet would atleast urge myself not to let myself get worst by curling into a ball of despair. I didn't I'm relieved to admit. In fact I'm here typing to you instead which is a major bonus & improvement for me as I haven't found the courage to write to you in almost a year.

Sometimes I wish I could pack up my life and just travel places. See the world as I don't have anything tying me down here other than my hubby and a lack of money.

knowing what to do and doing it are two completely different things. I constantly put myself down because I don't feel as though I am where I need to be. That by now I should have accomplished so much and not to have done so means the worst about me. I fear being incapable, hypocritical, unable and full of nonsense for talking the talk without walking the walk. I see the pathways yet for the life of me I can't seem to get any closer to walking it this point in time. It pains me deeply. It shatters my self esteem and it feels like a continuous uphill struggle to keep reminding myself of my worth so as not to fall into complete despair and ruin.

I'm reminded of why I started my blog. I wanted to introduce something that I find is needed on a mass scale. And that's self-acceptance. We need to re-learn how to love ourselves which is one of the ONLY things that will help us live our lives happily. It's as though we've unconsciously learned how to hate ourselves. Afterall it sells right?! If we're miserable we will shop. we'll smoke, we'll drink, we'll be as counter productive as possible chasing the temporary highs before the big crash. Do all and anything to help numb the pain. Hence all the more reason as to why we need to UN-learn self hatred. Love is the one natural pheromone that entices (almost)all.

Growing up I've always felt terribly behind people especially academically. As though I don't mount up to other people. Despite being an extremely intelligent person, I still frequently doubted myself (still do at times). It may explain why I've been so terribly anti social all my life. Don't get me wrong, when I meet a person I enjoy going out of my way to have them feel comfortable. I'd talk to them, include them and be genuinely interested in them. Yet on the inside I'd squirm with having to interact with people. I'm usually described as jolly, friendly and accommodating. If only they knew what was going on inside of me.

I'll tell you something I've only ever admitted to my hubby. People make me nervous. literally. to the extent that I dread leaving my house. The weekly tasks of socialising, buying groceries, seeing people are all necessary nightmares to me. When I walk out my door the inevitable prospect at having to meet people and see people on the street keeps me in a constant state of unease. From walking down the street and passing pedestrians to having to deal with the cashier at the counter.I feel ever so uncomfortable and wish more than ever to just be in the comfort of my home or alone on my own.

People always shock me. From the shockingly pleasant to the blood boiling nasty. The former pleasantly shocking the daylights out of me and lighting my day like the sun and the latter ruining my mood for hours. I never understand why people need to be horrid. It's so soul crushing. Then when people are sweet it takes both my heart and breath away. Some people seem to be more inclined to talk nonsense about someone else than to speak positively about them. And that's why i get on incredibly well with good people who are pleasant. We usually get on like a house on fire as though I've known them my whole life and don't feel an ounce of unpleasantness around them. Yet once I'm around someone who's being horrible for whatever reason its like a dark cloud descends upon me & the entire area and my spirits drop. My limbs tense and dread engulfs me as I feel my temper rise as I struggle to keep it in check. I feel so receptive to people it's possibly why I enjoy being on my own a lot. That way I don't have to take in peoples' emotions so much. Being this way can sure be a blessing as well as a pain in the ass at times.

I'd say you've heard enough of my grumblings for now.

I don't feel as though I've the right to enlighten you with a tidbit(word of advice) today, I think you would be better off advising me right now. At least until I can get myself together a bit. Thanks for reading.


Jay

Below; Tim describes me in a nutshell so well! Can any of you relate?