What Made 'Bleeding' So Much Better Than 'Feeling'

I feel really embarrassed typing this, as it’s something I've always wanted to run away from yet have never been able to as it continues to plague me one way or another.

And so I want to tell you what I've never ever mentioned to a soul before. In doing so, I must forewarn you that if I swear at any time, it isn't entirely intentional, at least you've been forewarned as it isn't one of my usual traits.

My last two posts have been about the person I loved and lost. To officially close this topic, I’m about to indulge what I've never disclosed before.

• The Most Foolish Thing I've Done Yet

I've loved him for over 9 years. Gosh I feel like crying reminding myself of that fact. The irony that I have to admit to you is that we were together for almost a year and a half. Tragic, yes I know. To get to the point, I ended up leaving him after about a year and a half. Yes. I did.

Why?!

Well why else would a teen do something so obviously foolish if it were the last thing they’d actually wanted to do? Out of fear. I was scared shitless that I loved him so much that it was too good to be true. That it just had to be too good to be true. That we couldn't possibly end up together and have a future together (It sounds silly to me now, yet at the time it was crippling.) After all, he must be like other guys I’d been around and eventually leave me. And so I wanted to beat him to it and so told him it was over.

It wasn't even close to what I’d wanted. Actually it was the exact opposite of what I’d wanted (my teen logic, don’t ask). What was disgusting though was that I hadn't truly the intention of actually leaving him. I thought I’d be strong enough. That I could do it. That the action itself must be easier than the words after all.

At the time, he hadn't wanted it. That much was clear. Nor could he understand it. He’d get in touch with me every now and then and I used to act as though nothing had happened and we were still together. At the time he hadn't yet gotten used to me being out of the picture so he kept in touch. That’s until my behavior started to confuse him as he wondered what I truly wanted and started to think that maybe I wasn't so genuine as I was making out to be.

And maybe, just maybe I was fucking with him. With his heart, his emotions and his feelings. After all why break up with him if I would continue acting like we were together right?! (He isn't silly, he kinda came to realise that I was fucking with his head. Even if it was unintentional, doesn't excuse it.)
And so he struck back. He hurt me beyond words. He betrayed me. He wanted me to see just how much I’d hurt him. I’d gotten his message loud and clear. It made me want him even more. In a strange way, I figured if him hurting me to such an extent was a reflection of how much I'd hurt him by leaving him than in some fucked up way it must mean he loved me very much isn't it?! Pretty twisted huh.

I can’t help but feel like crying as I type this because out of my fear and insecurity I created pain and a situation out of thin air, all on my own.

• What I Believed In My Arrogance

Prior to all that he was every single thing I wanted in a man. We were in sync. He stood by me. He never ever let me down. I could have trusted him with my life. Despite how much time went by every time I was in his presence I’d have butterflies in my stomach and my nerves would roll cartwheels. His smile would break my resolve. We‘d easily agree and disagree…(or so I thought anyways). He could turn me on with a glance. We’d be silly on the bus and when he wasn't with me he’d call and whisper naughty things in my ear. Just thinking of him used to make me smile and I’d feel all giddy. Memories, Memories, Memories…damn them! We never fought. Being in each others’ presence was blissfully peaceful as well as electric.

Now what I must ashamedly confess to you is that: The time I ended it with him…In my head I believed that he loved me to the extent that he’d NEVER leave me or stop loving me! So no matter what I might do he’d always ‘be there’. We were that connected. Yet look how it completely backfired and the absolute opposite happened. How utterly arrogant and ignorant of me?! No wonder I’m so fucked up over it. Over myself.

Words cant describe how ashamed I am of myself. How in the world could I think, believe and behave like that?! I got what I deserved. In my arrogance I put into affect the very thing I feared and dreaded. After that it was a few years of the game of cat and mouse. I forever chased and he forever ran. I’d been the 1st to fuck up and so me thinking I was making it up to him, remained wrapped around his finger.

He could be with whoever he wanted to be with whenever he chose to and I’d always be here waiting for him. Waiting for crumbs. Ergh I feel so disgusted with myself remembering that. I should have known better.

Before that started, he’d helped me get through the storm that was me, then I pushed him away, not realising at the time, that it was for good. I think that’s why I have tortured myself for so long, never finding a way to quite forgive myself for the wrongs I did.

It just occurred to me that some people who genuinely try to help others so that maybe they wont repeat their mistakes, are usually people who have had experiences that have had such a major impact on their lives that it almost morphs them into the person they are today. And that’s one of the attributes that make them particularly passionate about helping others. Despite their set backs, personal shames and regrets, they also help empower them. So fuck it.. Instead of letting those experiences break and define us, how about having them elevate us.

• Reaching My Breaking Point

The pain at the time was terribly excruciating. When he came to his senses and looked for someone better than me, I simply got used to the fact that I’d end up crying myself to sleep each night, then wake up realising that it wasn't a nightmare but reality…and end up crying myself awake again. That was the norm for a few months. When my tears dried up, my heart cried instead. It was those moments that were the worst because I used to think my heart was failing yet it kept beating away despite the agony I was in.

What made that experience so hard and painful, was that I wasn't only mourning my lost love and my own shame, no. It was that every single personal battle I’d ever fought from childhood, up until that point, surfaced and came tumbling down upon me. Everything I’d suppressed, fought back, ignored, told myself never happened, thought I’d forgotten, emerged at one time. Every hurt and pain. Words can’t describe how much that period of time hurt me. It’s so ingrained on my mind that I still remember like it was yesterday. It scarred my heart, to leave an everlasting imprint on it. It was without a doubt one of the hardest times of my life.

At night time, when the darkness and my tears were my only friends, I used to wish I’d lose consciousness so that the pain might subside even for a second. I used to walk around in circles on my own crying, hurting wishing it wasn't real. To try re-directing my pain to somewhere other than my mind, heart and soul, I used to get a knife and bleed ever so slightly. To even out the pain a little. At the time it was a relief. When I used to make tea, as I was pouring out the boiling water into a cup, I used to resist the urge of putting in my hand and re-focus my pain to the burning sensation instead of the continuous emotional and psychological pains I endured each day and night.

• The Hard Truth

Recalling all this reminds me why (as I’d mentioned in my previous post), at the time I’d locked up everything I felt and hid it away hoping I’d never have to feel it again. Because it had been too hard to handle at the time. I was drowning in the regret of hurting the one person I’d ever loved so deeply and anyone else I’d ever hurt as well as every pain I’d ever experienced in my life with the shame to top it off. The shame was consuming. It can take a person, whole.

That’s what lead me on the road of learning about myself and others in the hope that I wont repeat my previous transgressions. And that’s to name a few. I loved him so much, I’m also guilty of being addicted to how I felt with him. it’s one of the reasons I took so much shit from him later on. His actions told me exactly what he thought of me yet I chose to live in denial. I knew what was going on, I’m not silly. I just chose to close my eyes and make excuses and I ended up paying the price for it.

I didn't love and respect myself nor did I have self worth. How could I expect anyone to have those things for me if I didn't even have them for myself?! So obviously I couldn't be with him nor anyone else for that matter. It was wrong of me to take shit from him. I always say; ‘you can’t help someone who doesn't want to be helped’ and so I couldn't change anything until I wanted it for myself and strove for it.

I was so selfish and self absorbed. It wasn't right of me to be selfish and only focus on what 'I' felt, wanted, needed and completely ignore his feelings, wants and needs. He used to tell me how I would never ask what ‘he wanted’ and it was true. I loved him, so obviously that meant that he wanted what I did, didn't it?! Wrong. I felt so guilty and embarrassed when I noticed that his words were true. He used to remind me that he had feelings too. And I would think to myself; ‘Oh yeah’. I mean seriously?! How could I have been like that?! So objective, hard, cold, selfish and self absorbed. Ergh. No wonder he wanted to avoid me like the plague. Now that I understand more about my behavior, I cant blame him.

I didn't know how to truly love him, show him that I did, communicate to and appreciate him. In the process I got everything I deserve. And more so. I need to be a better person before I get to be with one. I genuinely wish him and his family all the happiness on earth and she’ll give him what I didn't know how to give him.

Forgiving, facing and getting pass things I've done wrong in my life is a tedious and painful yet at the same time, relieving experience. It’s a long road. I may always love him. that being said, I acknowledge because of how we've treated each other that I doubt he could ever appreciate me. I used to continuously hope we’d be together one day. Now I hope that we both get what we deserve, whatever and wherever that might be…

There is one thing though…that gets to me and always has, since I was young. Its people walking in and out of my life. I have a handful of friends and I don’t trust easily. Trust is earned not just given. So when I do trust someone, even if they hurt me intentionally or unintentionally, they remain with me for life. even if I no longer want them in my life. They were so special to me at a point that they remain with me and I'm forever grateful for being lucky enough to have had that person in my life at some point.

• Instead Of A Victim Of Love, How About An Active Participant

As a kid I never forgot my childhood friends. It used to confuse me when we exited each others’ lives all of a sudden. It was as though life would change and I'd never quite catch up. That’s how I feel now. I know people enter and exit our lives, doesn't change how I feel about it though. I feel as though everything is a bit of an illusion.

In the sense that I cant come to terms with the person I love not being in my life anymore. I tell myself that he’s gone and on a conscious level know it, yet I still miss him every single thing about him. I have a hard time accepting that, that period of my life is over..even until now my heart skips a beat every time my phone rings , with the tiniest glimmer of hope that it’s him. I know I probably wont see him nor hear from him ever again, (I hope not, for my sanity I really hope not) doesn't change how much I miss him.

I’m starting over once again for the upteenth time in my life and everyone I've ever loved remains with me in some form or manner. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, it sure can be painful at times. I've tried changing it without results so I'm accepting it. Life goes on either way.
I’ve taken a lot of time to heal and continue to do so. Guess what though?! I’m at peace because there is so much potential available in the world and I hope to be a better person both for myself and for the man who will actually choose to be with me and not the opposite. The man who I’m meant to give my all to and vice versa. I may be the type of person who loves deeply and takes a long time getting over losing someone I love, doesn't mean that I’m not perfect for my right man. I’m excited and optimistic about the abundant opportunities waiting for me.

I read this article by Ebrahim Aseem that took my heart away and disposed of any doubt I had on my healing process. The road is long and winded and full of possibilities. I’m alright and I’m on my way to being great.

Oh yeah...and you know that saying; time heals....that didn't work for me. Because despite time, I remained stuck. It was only by learning, wanting and needing to be better that I've found myself able to start moving along again.

This has been a long read…If you made it through all of it, good on you! Thanks for reading and hope to get back to you soon.

What is the one thing that's plagued you for a long time?