What Do You Do When Your Heart's Fit To Burst?
If you've ever
read my ‘About me’ page then remember when I’d said I’d share my life
journey with you? Well that included the good, 
bad, ugly and beautiful.
Right now tears stream down my face as I feel almost paralysed with fear. Unfortunately instead of going to Africa due to the Ebola virus, I’m moving elsewhere instead. I’m terrified. The unknown always rattles me.For some it's easy though not so much for others.
Not many people mention how fear, uncertainty, inability and pressure follow us in our lives despite our sex or age.
When the sun comes out and we walk amongst our peers, we remain either stony faced or with resilient smiles intent on moving on in our lives as though everything’s fine despite what may be going on in our daily lives and how we feel about it.
Whenever I’m on my own, I finally get to break down and take down all my walls that I put up out of habit. I get to curl into a ball, close my eyes ever so tightly, clench my hands together when the fear that never leaves, consumes me and I no longer have to pretend even in the slightest. I get to wish that I would cease to exist and no longer have to deal with life’s hurdles. I get to feel worried and afraid that my life isn't going in the direction it’s meant to.
I get to feel inferior and mundane compared to others who seem to have their sh*t together. I know I have potential yet it continues to elude me. I’m not always so confident about all aspects of my life.
I cry. Feel afraid. Feel alone. I like getting lost in the crowd because I get to blend in. Not stand out. Cease to exist in a sense. Everyone going about their lives oblivious to the people around them. That way I get to hide how weak and inadequate I feel at times. I feel ashamed that I feel so down. Alone. Petrified. Lost. Frozen in inaction, in the daily routine of life. I want to break free. Yet haven’t yet had my chance. Or maybe I simply haven’t taken it. I need to find the courage to do so.
F*ck outer appearances. Expectations. Fakeness. Pretenses Fear. The tight rope we’re all expected to walk in the exact same way, direction and time frame. The lie we are lead to believe is truth. That perfection exists. That the people we interact with don’t fight similar daily battles that we do. That maybe it’s better for them. Less painful. Less scary. Less challenging. Less ugly. It’s all bullsh*t.
We feel. We need. We yearn. We fear. We should have the right to walk around without barriers nor judgements other than our own personal ones. We’ve been equipped with everything we need. Our brain. Limbs. And most importantly our heart. It’s when we ignore it that we start to fall. And some of us have been equipped with much less; Sight, hearing, limbs, health ect…
I yearn to be more real. I want to start noticing and appreciating people a little more. I want to smile at and acknowledge people more, no matter who or where they’re from or their situation. As long as they aren't causing deliberate harm to others then they deserve the world. We all do.
We’re becoming such pros at disguising how we actually feel and suppressing it that our emotions are finding alternative ways of being expressed. Felt. Refusing to be ignored. When I’m angry I cry. When I’m scared I cry. When I’m happy I cry. The irony of it all was that there was a time when nothing would make a tear fall down my cheeks. I hardly felt anything nor tried to. Now it seems to have caught up to me and everything I feel seems amplified 100 times over.
As I get older shouldn’t things be easier? Less confusing? Less scary? Shouldn’t I have all the answers? I couldn’t possibly break down when I’m a grown adult who makes decisions, not one who feels like she should know everything otherwise it makes her an utter & complete failure?! Right?!
Despite my love of the strength in people (that they sometimes don’t know exist) I Do fall short sometimes. I do lose my own strength and feel like I’m drowning and no one can hear, see or even care about me. Times like this I wish I could disappear. I used to think the pain would get better. It isn't the same intensity as I'd experienced before, but a different kind, still ever so present and persistent as ever. Still suffocating and forbidding in its own way. Sometimes I could be in the presence of other people, apparently neutral, yet literally screaming on the inside. The pain is consistent and silent yet ever present. Not all the time. Though when it does hurt, it pains.
When you have someone who tries to get you to see the BEST in you, remember that they too have times when they are at their worst. They have pains too. Just because they don’t like sharing it too much, doesn't change the fact that it’s there. Eating away at their resolve, constantly trying to push that person down into the ground, as well.
I want to share my everything with you. And so I share both my ups & downs. With the hopes that maybe you get to see glimpses of my heart that till now, I haven’t shared with anyone but you.
Everything I tell you, I also strive for.
I've just entrusted another small part of me, to you. I hope it helped, even if in the least.
Talk soon...
Jay
bad, ugly and beautiful.Right now tears stream down my face as I feel almost paralysed with fear. Unfortunately instead of going to Africa due to the Ebola virus, I’m moving elsewhere instead. I’m terrified. The unknown always rattles me.For some it's easy though not so much for others.
Not many people mention how fear, uncertainty, inability and pressure follow us in our lives despite our sex or age.
When the sun comes out and we walk amongst our peers, we remain either stony faced or with resilient smiles intent on moving on in our lives as though everything’s fine despite what may be going on in our daily lives and how we feel about it.
Whenever I’m on my own, I finally get to break down and take down all my walls that I put up out of habit. I get to curl into a ball, close my eyes ever so tightly, clench my hands together when the fear that never leaves, consumes me and I no longer have to pretend even in the slightest. I get to wish that I would cease to exist and no longer have to deal with life’s hurdles. I get to feel worried and afraid that my life isn't going in the direction it’s meant to.
I get to feel inferior and mundane compared to others who seem to have their sh*t together. I know I have potential yet it continues to elude me. I’m not always so confident about all aspects of my life.
I cry. Feel afraid. Feel alone. I like getting lost in the crowd because I get to blend in. Not stand out. Cease to exist in a sense. Everyone going about their lives oblivious to the people around them. That way I get to hide how weak and inadequate I feel at times. I feel ashamed that I feel so down. Alone. Petrified. Lost. Frozen in inaction, in the daily routine of life. I want to break free. Yet haven’t yet had my chance. Or maybe I simply haven’t taken it. I need to find the courage to do so.
F*ck outer appearances. Expectations. Fakeness. Pretenses Fear. The tight rope we’re all expected to walk in the exact same way, direction and time frame. The lie we are lead to believe is truth. That perfection exists. That the people we interact with don’t fight similar daily battles that we do. That maybe it’s better for them. Less painful. Less scary. Less challenging. Less ugly. It’s all bullsh*t.
We feel. We need. We yearn. We fear. We should have the right to walk around without barriers nor judgements other than our own personal ones. We’ve been equipped with everything we need. Our brain. Limbs. And most importantly our heart. It’s when we ignore it that we start to fall. And some of us have been equipped with much less; Sight, hearing, limbs, health ect…
I yearn to be more real. I want to start noticing and appreciating people a little more. I want to smile at and acknowledge people more, no matter who or where they’re from or their situation. As long as they aren't causing deliberate harm to others then they deserve the world. We all do.
We’re becoming such pros at disguising how we actually feel and suppressing it that our emotions are finding alternative ways of being expressed. Felt. Refusing to be ignored. When I’m angry I cry. When I’m scared I cry. When I’m happy I cry. The irony of it all was that there was a time when nothing would make a tear fall down my cheeks. I hardly felt anything nor tried to. Now it seems to have caught up to me and everything I feel seems amplified 100 times over.
As I get older shouldn’t things be easier? Less confusing? Less scary? Shouldn’t I have all the answers? I couldn’t possibly break down when I’m a grown adult who makes decisions, not one who feels like she should know everything otherwise it makes her an utter & complete failure?! Right?!
Despite my love of the strength in people (that they sometimes don’t know exist) I Do fall short sometimes. I do lose my own strength and feel like I’m drowning and no one can hear, see or even care about me. Times like this I wish I could disappear. I used to think the pain would get better. It isn't the same intensity as I'd experienced before, but a different kind, still ever so present and persistent as ever. Still suffocating and forbidding in its own way. Sometimes I could be in the presence of other people, apparently neutral, yet literally screaming on the inside. The pain is consistent and silent yet ever present. Not all the time. Though when it does hurt, it pains.
When you have someone who tries to get you to see the BEST in you, remember that they too have times when they are at their worst. They have pains too. Just because they don’t like sharing it too much, doesn't change the fact that it’s there. Eating away at their resolve, constantly trying to push that person down into the ground, as well.
I want to share my everything with you. And so I share both my ups & downs. With the hopes that maybe you get to see glimpses of my heart that till now, I haven’t shared with anyone but you.
Everything I tell you, I also strive for.
I've just entrusted another small part of me, to you. I hope it helped, even if in the least.
Talk soon...
Jay
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