The Smile I Wear Everyday Doesn't Reflect How I Truly Feel
Hiya,
how are you today? Hopefully well..Lately I've been pondering past
events which ended up having me down in the dumps for a bit.
Unfortunately I find my emotional healing process long and tediously
painful. For some reason I've yet to shake my guilt and feelings of
inadequacy that wracks my heart every now & then. Lately I've been
having these periods where I feel ridiculously worthless, lacking and
unimportant. I despise feeling like that considering they aren't
true. Isn't it something how we sometimes feel so negatively even though we needn't feel so?
This morning as I sat on the train to work, I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing as all the self-invented knives I'd created, stabbed at my conscience. Thankfully I don't always feel like that and the phases come and go. When I get like that I end up feeling as though my feelings and experiences are all for naught. Meaningless. It eats away at my heart. Mind. Soul. Resolve.
We have so much potential beyond our wildest dreams. We live below our potential. Abilities. Despite everything we do in our lives, we always have the capabilities of doing more. Going further. Higher. Being stronger. If you're able to relate then a lot of the time the one keeping us back is 'us'.
There's something I'd like to share with you that I don't talk much about. When I was growing up (I've probably mentioned this part before in one of my previous posts that I didn't do great in school) I did alright throughout primary school, until I hit secondary school( year 7) and everything fell to pieces.
I moved to a new country, new people, new language. I was young at the time and so my dad wanted my brother and I to master the new language and everything that went with it. He figured we could hack it. To cut to the chase; I practically ended up in grade 1 all over again. There I was almost 11 amongst 5 - 6 year olds. I was small for my age yet still understandably felt beyond my classmates' years.
I had just finished grade 5 and here I was starting grade one once again. Repeating the subjects I'd already studied were a breeze. Despite them being in a new language this time round. Things started to turn once I started secondary school. When the tide started to turn and for some reason everything went downhill from there. In secondary school I ended up repeating each year I attempted. Yes; years 7, 8 and nine were all repeated. And I probably would have gone on repeating secondary school if it hadn't been for a series of events that proceeded it.
After school I would go home shattered, take a nap then get up late in the afternoon and start the mountain load of homework we were given. I'd stop briefly to shovel down some dinner (as some of us do as teens) before returning to it. I wouldn't finish before 11pm and sometimes 12-1am. When I'd go back to school, many of my classmates would brag about how they hadn't slept until 3am before they were done with their homework. I never used to say anything at the time, though the words 'stupid, retarded, unable, inadequate, useless, and dumb' would float through my mind about myself. I would feel as though I was finishing too early and that I was obviously doing everything wrong . After all I wasn't understanding my teachers nor the homework I was given at the end of each day despite my efforts of trying to 'get it' so to speak. Even having the teachers explain things one on one and I'd still be blank. Though it was mostly regarding Math. I still struggled with other subjects too and so couldn't help believing I was the stupid one through out school.
I'd asked the teachers so many questions by then that I inevitably started to feel 'unteachable' hence stopped asking. My classmates seemed able to excel at extraordinary speed and I felt constantly left behind despite how much I tried. I used to wonder why I simply couldn't 'grasp it' like my classmates and resigned to the belief that I was simply 'stupid'. Unable to comprehend or go forward. Despite it I still tried though. I have always believed in two sayings:
1) That I'd rather fail giving it my all then to fail having only attempted it half heartedly.
2) If at once you don't succeed, try, try again. And so I did. And I still do. Though I have to admit that I had more passion and perseverance when I was younger than I do now.
As I get older I find that things that wouldn't make me bat an eye lid when I was younger, really takes a toll on me now. Which can be exhausting in a sense. I sometimes wish that I was strong as I was when I was younger.
As time passes my sensitivity levels have peaked in an entirely different way compared to the drama that I experienced when I was younger. It's both a good and bad thing I suppose.
Life seems to happen abruptly. suddenly. Without much warning. One second we're on cloud 9 and the next we're down in the dumps then before we know it we're back in the sky again. (It may not be true for all, those who feel similarly may be able to relate to a degree..) It's both daunting as it's exciting!
Unfortunately my years at secondary school scarred me for life in a sense after having failure after failure. Since then anything related to studies terrifies me. Internally I automatically believe that I'm going to fail before even starting. And most of my time is spent stressing on everything before even getting far enough to start. I've gotten better though. As I get older I get to see things for what they are and finally accept that I'm not nor was I ever 'stupid'. No one is. Everyone has their preferred way of learning. It doesn't render us 'less' or 'more' in any way. Only in how we perceive things which is irrevocably flawed.
Now I can't help but empathise with anyone who has difficulty doing a certain thing a certain way. Having been there myself, I came to realise that our differences are our strengths not weaknesses depending on how we utilise them.
Just like others, I do have frequent feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I do have times when it's hard to breathe and I can't stand myself as I worry about my flaws and shortcomings. I end up feeling wretched about 'being me' and I don't feel as though I deserve to write to you. And so I shy away from blogging as I don't want to put you down. Until I remind myself that as long as I speak from my heart and share myself whole heartedly with you that it'll turn out alright in the end. This may not be the best of my posts, I can say it's heart felt though. Hope you enjoyed it
Remember just how awesome you are. And the times you feel slightly breathless from the pain that wracks your body during one of your 'down days' just remember that all the negatives running through your heads aren't truths. They're just fears that help keep us on our toes so to speak which helps motivate us to do and be the best we can be.
Love you all lots lots! Write to you soon.
Jay
true. Isn't it something how we sometimes feel so negatively even though we needn't feel so?
This morning as I sat on the train to work, I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing as all the self-invented knives I'd created, stabbed at my conscience. Thankfully I don't always feel like that and the phases come and go. When I get like that I end up feeling as though my feelings and experiences are all for naught. Meaningless. It eats away at my heart. Mind. Soul. Resolve.
We have so much potential beyond our wildest dreams. We live below our potential. Abilities. Despite everything we do in our lives, we always have the capabilities of doing more. Going further. Higher. Being stronger. If you're able to relate then a lot of the time the one keeping us back is 'us'.
There's something I'd like to share with you that I don't talk much about. When I was growing up (I've probably mentioned this part before in one of my previous posts that I didn't do great in school) I did alright throughout primary school, until I hit secondary school( year 7) and everything fell to pieces.
I moved to a new country, new people, new language. I was young at the time and so my dad wanted my brother and I to master the new language and everything that went with it. He figured we could hack it. To cut to the chase; I practically ended up in grade 1 all over again. There I was almost 11 amongst 5 - 6 year olds. I was small for my age yet still understandably felt beyond my classmates' years.
I had just finished grade 5 and here I was starting grade one once again. Repeating the subjects I'd already studied were a breeze. Despite them being in a new language this time round. Things started to turn once I started secondary school. When the tide started to turn and for some reason everything went downhill from there. In secondary school I ended up repeating each year I attempted. Yes; years 7, 8 and nine were all repeated. And I probably would have gone on repeating secondary school if it hadn't been for a series of events that proceeded it.
After school I would go home shattered, take a nap then get up late in the afternoon and start the mountain load of homework we were given. I'd stop briefly to shovel down some dinner (as some of us do as teens) before returning to it. I wouldn't finish before 11pm and sometimes 12-1am. When I'd go back to school, many of my classmates would brag about how they hadn't slept until 3am before they were done with their homework. I never used to say anything at the time, though the words 'stupid, retarded, unable, inadequate, useless, and dumb' would float through my mind about myself. I would feel as though I was finishing too early and that I was obviously doing everything wrong . After all I wasn't understanding my teachers nor the homework I was given at the end of each day despite my efforts of trying to 'get it' so to speak. Even having the teachers explain things one on one and I'd still be blank. Though it was mostly regarding Math. I still struggled with other subjects too and so couldn't help believing I was the stupid one through out school.
I'd asked the teachers so many questions by then that I inevitably started to feel 'unteachable' hence stopped asking. My classmates seemed able to excel at extraordinary speed and I felt constantly left behind despite how much I tried. I used to wonder why I simply couldn't 'grasp it' like my classmates and resigned to the belief that I was simply 'stupid'. Unable to comprehend or go forward. Despite it I still tried though. I have always believed in two sayings:
1) That I'd rather fail giving it my all then to fail having only attempted it half heartedly.
2) If at once you don't succeed, try, try again. And so I did. And I still do. Though I have to admit that I had more passion and perseverance when I was younger than I do now.
As I get older I find that things that wouldn't make me bat an eye lid when I was younger, really takes a toll on me now. Which can be exhausting in a sense. I sometimes wish that I was strong as I was when I was younger.
As time passes my sensitivity levels have peaked in an entirely different way compared to the drama that I experienced when I was younger. It's both a good and bad thing I suppose.
Life seems to happen abruptly. suddenly. Without much warning. One second we're on cloud 9 and the next we're down in the dumps then before we know it we're back in the sky again. (It may not be true for all, those who feel similarly may be able to relate to a degree..) It's both daunting as it's exciting!
Unfortunately my years at secondary school scarred me for life in a sense after having failure after failure. Since then anything related to studies terrifies me. Internally I automatically believe that I'm going to fail before even starting. And most of my time is spent stressing on everything before even getting far enough to start. I've gotten better though. As I get older I get to see things for what they are and finally accept that I'm not nor was I ever 'stupid'. No one is. Everyone has their preferred way of learning. It doesn't render us 'less' or 'more' in any way. Only in how we perceive things which is irrevocably flawed.
Now I can't help but empathise with anyone who has difficulty doing a certain thing a certain way. Having been there myself, I came to realise that our differences are our strengths not weaknesses depending on how we utilise them.
Just like others, I do have frequent feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I do have times when it's hard to breathe and I can't stand myself as I worry about my flaws and shortcomings. I end up feeling wretched about 'being me' and I don't feel as though I deserve to write to you. And so I shy away from blogging as I don't want to put you down. Until I remind myself that as long as I speak from my heart and share myself whole heartedly with you that it'll turn out alright in the end. This may not be the best of my posts, I can say it's heart felt though. Hope you enjoyed it
Remember just how awesome you are. And the times you feel slightly breathless from the pain that wracks your body during one of your 'down days' just remember that all the negatives running through your heads aren't truths. They're just fears that help keep us on our toes so to speak which helps motivate us to do and be the best we can be.
Love you all lots lots! Write to you soon.
Jay
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