My Minor Confession/Conflict

There is something that is on my mind and it has been for a while now. I actually considered simply finding a site and posting this anonymously. As i was about to start typing i thought to myself, i should share this on my site. With my readers. If I feel as though I can't share the deepest, scariest parts of myself with them then I have no business having a blog aimed at honesty and openness. So here goes.

I have two inner conflicts that eat at my heart and soul each night. I'll start with the most personal: I only just started learning about myself and the world around me not too long ago. Before that I was extremely selfish and self absorbed. I used to like to think that I was a self righteous person who put others 1st though that wasn't entirely true. Because I was selfish. Now without going into too much details (as this part of myself if I share it with you, I'd like to share it with you in its entirety and not bits and pieces like this), basically my heart is still emotionally attached to someone. Who is currently married and having his first child.

He was my 1st love. I don't want this to sound like your usual cliche. It's my reality either way. I wasn't his 1st love. Anyways to get to the point, he is married and I think deep down in my heart I always knew that I wasn't his 'one'. I think that he may have always taken pleasure in being with other women.

The thing is, I closed my eyes to it. You know how they say love is blind? well it's kind of true. Though that is mostly an excuse as I blinded myself to it. Every single time he was with someone else it killed me. Literally. My heart would burn and I'd have a hard time breathing, knowing that there could be a possibility of having to live my life without him. Yet refusing to accept the fact.
It kills me knowing that he makes love to another. I'd always seen us having our children together yet he shares those special moments with another. It hurts. I don't talk about it. I hardly allow myself to think about it yet it lingers. Constantly on my subconscious. And the aching pain doesn't subside. It stays. Now instead of thinking of it, I'm trying to learn to live with it.

What I've learned from life is that life goes on. Whether you're on board or not so i have no choice but to persevere.  I'm not sure if that attributes to my loneliness...I Do know that it's one of my constant pains. The only logical explanation that i can come up with in my head is that he never loved me. And doesn't feel nor care about me. The truth is i don't know. I tell myself that we are now on different planets. If I had a choice to leave this one and live on another, I would. It's my automatic coping mechanism i suppose you could say. It's a little easier knowing he may have never genuinely felt anything for me then to face the possibility of him simply ceasing to feel/care about me anymore.
What eats at me, is how i feel. I despise the fact that I love and it isn't reciprocated. I feel so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. Because in the end, I know better. The thing is that I'm not able to switch off how I feel. I'm trying to feel it and go on anyways.....it's so daunting though. I feel so ashamed of loving someone who didnt/doesnt feel the same way.

You know how sometimes you already know what you should do and how u should feel though when it comes down to it, it just isn't that simple? Well that's me, in this instance. The shame and embarrassment eats away at me. Also the fact that I pushed him away. There are always two sides to every story, so i am to blame to an extent. I just don't know....I don't know how it's possible to feel so strongly to then just switch off as though its nothing...? I can't do it. Sometimes I wish that I could then I remember that this is what makes me who I am.

He is completely out of my life living happily with another and I still feel this way about him. It seems incredulously ridiculous to me. And terrible. Yet there you have it.
My second conflict; Is that I am extremely self conscious of other peoples' suffering. Even growing up if I ever saw anyone crying or in pain i couldn't help but stop, go to them as I'd feel my heart drop. I'd feel pain at someone else being hurt. I wake up, eat, drink, laugh, live and all the while there is so much suffering going on.

The thing is it's easy to think that as long as we can't do anything about it then there is no point in worrying/stressing about people. That's the problem isn't it? we are losing our humanity. And i feel it. Deep within my heart and it eats away at my resolve. We never care about others pain until it affects us in some form or other. Then our world stops and we wonder how others are living their lives as though nothing's going on. That was how I felt the 1st time I felt loss. I have also been temporarily handicapped and know what it's like to have the simple luxuries of water, food, working limbs, brains, arms, legs ect...

Sometimes we are so absorbed with our lives that we fail to take note of others. Good&bad. And a calamity may affect us so that we are brought back to earth, eyes&minds opened so that we can love , care and appreciate a little more. I used to see things and thought I understood them until life happened to me. And I realised that despite what happens in life, I would NEVER have understood, until I'd EXPERIENCED. Which i did. Am. & continue to do so.

Those are the 2 things that plague my mind. I feel guilty about both. Because I have no control over either of them and wish I could change them in some form or manner.

This was me sharing extremely personal parts of myself with you. Some of you may understand and some may ridicule. Either way, writing to you is enlightening. So thank you. Take care. Until next time, Ciao