Straight from my heart to the screen.
Its
3am and im trying to fall asleep, when all those unbidden emotions,
feelings, memories flood my mind threatening to take over till I realise
that they will as they usually do and I’ll fall asleep in a pool of
despair, till I wake the next morning and put it all behind me. Till
that very night ofcourse.
I think to myself; this is the one time I feel open and vulnerable, let me share it with the world. Pen. Paper. My best friends. Ask me a word and I’d never spill yet give me a non judgmental sheet or document and I’ll pour my heart out.
I get off my bed, don’t bother turning on the lights, head back to my laptop that I just turned off moments ago, switch it back on, dim it a little as my eyes slowly adjust to the brightness of the screen, open up my word document. Lying down on my bed with my pillow slightly propped up with my laptop on my lap. I start typing.
Love. Lust. Betrayal. Exhaustion. They are a few of the words that describe how im feeling right now.
Have you ever loved and lost someone you loved so deeply and dearly that the simple thought of that person makes your blood boil? Makes u shiver and shake and lose all sense of self and ability?
I have. I still do. as much as it pains, hurts and I would be lying if I said doesn’t humiliate me to admit. Yet its true. I do.
Lets name him Z. and im A. frankly because that’s just how far apart we are. worlds, planets and galaxies apart. He still remains inside of my mind heart and soul. Crippling me. Killing me from the inside. I despise the fact. Yet no matter how I feel about it, it simply doesn’t seem to change. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t that im scared of never being as close to anyone else, no that’s not my fear. What terrifies me is whether I will ever get over him completely.
It shames me. Embarrasses me. I no longer mention it anymore. Not even to myself.
As I lay here, I wish he was beside me, taking in his scent, smell, as he washes all over me. Paralysing me yet giving me the most intense pleasure u could ever even begin to imagine. His strong arms pulling me into him, as he crushes me with his chest, he’s so heavy.
His lips take me out of this world to another plane. I need him to devour me I love him so much. Just the idea of him makes me blush and at the same time makes me shudder.
His lips. His arms. His chest. His *bleep*. All of him makes me writhe in torturous ecstasy. How the eff do I get to feel this way about someone else?! It should be outlawed! Banned! Prohibited! Not allowed!
Damn me for ever falling so hard!
I wish I could completely disappear into the idea of just the ‘both of us’ the 2of us.
My ongoing reality rips my heart out. Constantly. Continuously.
Why is it I still feel this way? Why is it I cant completely erase him from my mind? He is history. Then why is it that he remains in my present.
I cant stand it. I pour over articles trying to understand why it is I feel this way and it’s the same no matter where I am in the world, forever haunting me. Why?
How can I have it so bad for someone who is obviously so wrong for me?
I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. It continuously evades me. Deludes me.
Part of me loves him, needs him, misses him and yearns for him.
And the other part, despises him, hates him, cant stand him and the worst part of all is that its all bull. Because I don’t hate nor despise him one little bit. I just wish that I did.
If Time heals, then why am I still here at the ‘start line’?
Im tired.
Irritated.
And in love with an unavailable man.
It needs to stop. The question is…How?!
'Every adversity, every failure, every heartbreak carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit'
I think to myself; this is the one time I feel open and vulnerable, let me share it with the world. Pen. Paper. My best friends. Ask me a word and I’d never spill yet give me a non judgmental sheet or document and I’ll pour my heart out.
I get off my bed, don’t bother turning on the lights, head back to my laptop that I just turned off moments ago, switch it back on, dim it a little as my eyes slowly adjust to the brightness of the screen, open up my word document. Lying down on my bed with my pillow slightly propped up with my laptop on my lap. I start typing.
Love. Lust. Betrayal. Exhaustion. They are a few of the words that describe how im feeling right now.
Have you ever loved and lost someone you loved so deeply and dearly that the simple thought of that person makes your blood boil? Makes u shiver and shake and lose all sense of self and ability?
I have. I still do. as much as it pains, hurts and I would be lying if I said doesn’t humiliate me to admit. Yet its true. I do.
Lets name him Z. and im A. frankly because that’s just how far apart we are. worlds, planets and galaxies apart. He still remains inside of my mind heart and soul. Crippling me. Killing me from the inside. I despise the fact. Yet no matter how I feel about it, it simply doesn’t seem to change. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t that im scared of never being as close to anyone else, no that’s not my fear. What terrifies me is whether I will ever get over him completely.
It shames me. Embarrasses me. I no longer mention it anymore. Not even to myself.
As I lay here, I wish he was beside me, taking in his scent, smell, as he washes all over me. Paralysing me yet giving me the most intense pleasure u could ever even begin to imagine. His strong arms pulling me into him, as he crushes me with his chest, he’s so heavy.
His lips take me out of this world to another plane. I need him to devour me I love him so much. Just the idea of him makes me blush and at the same time makes me shudder.
His lips. His arms. His chest. His *bleep*. All of him makes me writhe in torturous ecstasy. How the eff do I get to feel this way about someone else?! It should be outlawed! Banned! Prohibited! Not allowed!
Damn me for ever falling so hard!
I wish I could completely disappear into the idea of just the ‘both of us’ the 2of us.
My ongoing reality rips my heart out. Constantly. Continuously.
Why is it I still feel this way? Why is it I cant completely erase him from my mind? He is history. Then why is it that he remains in my present.
I cant stand it. I pour over articles trying to understand why it is I feel this way and it’s the same no matter where I am in the world, forever haunting me. Why?
How can I have it so bad for someone who is obviously so wrong for me?
I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. It continuously evades me. Deludes me.
Part of me loves him, needs him, misses him and yearns for him.
And the other part, despises him, hates him, cant stand him and the worst part of all is that its all bull. Because I don’t hate nor despise him one little bit. I just wish that I did.
If Time heals, then why am I still here at the ‘start line’?
Im tired.
Irritated.
And in love with an unavailable man.
It needs to stop. The question is…How?!
'Every adversity, every failure, every heartbreak carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit'
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